I’m not sure if you were around at the beginning of this blog gig. If you were, you may have stumbled into a reading coma, especially after my early long-winded posts. Originally I wanted to take a stab at writing about things that were super-cool or trendy, even though in a normal setting, they were actually really odd.
The other day I was reading one of my favorite blogs by MLP and she had done a really fun post about her Not-In-My-Bucket List. It was awesome! It reminded me that even though I have an insane appreciation for many go-with-the-crowd activities like Pinterest, Downton Abbey and frick, even blogging, there are still many, MANY, things out there that I just can’t stand, even though the masses around me seem to have banded together in an unofficial if-you’re-cool-you’ll-do-these-things club.
Well, not me, brilliant reader!
Here’s a list of more things I love to say “Psh!” to:
1) Drinking coffee
I really tried to to be a coffee drinker, especially during those two summers in the late nineties when I worked outside of Seattle.
Drinking coffee is like wearing shoes; sure, not everyone does it, but you know you look funny at the ones who skip it.
My dislike of coffee is actually a mutual thing between us since it technically hates me back too. My stomach lacks the hipster-enzymes needed to break down the acids or something, I don’t know. But I am in pain for two days minimum after attempting any coffee drink.
Mochas, the baby-steps version of How-To-Start-Drinking-Coffee, kill me, too.
I think if coffee tasted better to me, I could see sacrificing my stomach-sanity for a cup or two, but it just refuses to taste like anything other the bottom of a bitter old shoe. Coffee ice cream and coffee-flavored candy are nasty too. That’s just a train I refuse to board, people.
2) Eating sushi
Yeah, yeah…I have finicky taste buds, so the fact that I abhor sushi should really come as no surprise to you.
My jaunty little rhyme to explain my food quirk goes a little something like this:
“If it lives in the sea, it’s not for me!”
Yes, this includes seaweed. Blech!
Rice, I have no problem with. Fish, crab, squid etc. will most likely poison me.
Friends have told me just to get avocado, rice and cream cheese wrapped up in egg roll wrappers and yet, since avocado is on the ‘no-thanks’ list, I can’t really do that either.
Sushi is so dang cool, yet it will continue to be in the land of Can’t-Tolerate-It-Ville until I can manage to deaden all the extra-sensitive taste buds in my mouth.
3) Wearing bedazzled jeans
Okay. I’m going to level with you. I started you off simple with coffee and sushi, because people love feeling superior over us picky eaters. I knew I wouldn’t lose you over those items. But wearing bedazzled jeans just may push some of you over the edge.
Ladies (and sadly, some guys), I just don’t get the attraction. Why are you wearing fake jewel details on the back pockets of your jeans? Do tons of fake jewels equal femininity now? Is there a theory out there that says plentiful pearly pockets will help minimize the symptoms of mom-butt?
Even if the jeans fit your tush well and make you look ten pounds lighter, you lose me with the crazy details. Why would a fleur de lis or — Father, forgive you — a cross, be an acceptable accessory for each of your butt cheeks? Please tell me there are no plans for a crown of thorns version too.
When Christ said “Do this in remembrance of me”, this is NOT what he was talking about! This bedazzling pushes me over the edge, friends. I know you won’t be letting those pants go anytime soon, but you need to stop thinking I will ever join you in that butt-dazzle territory.
4) Wearing TOMS shoes
Do you want to see people get all riled up and feisty? Just post something on Facebook about how you think their TOMS look like hobo-shoes and watch the sparks fly!
I still think they resemble homeless shelter shoes, and honestly, friends, they kind of make your feet stink like hobo toes, as well. I get that they donate a pair to the shoeless in Africa (or wherever they are needed) but I’m just not a fan of the swaddling-cloth slash burlap-sack look for my tootsies.
What’s that? They’re comfortable? Psh! Again I say, “PSH!!!” I can recommend at least 100 other pairs of shoes that are comfortable. Even better, my picks won’t make your feet look like potatoes.
Moving right along…
5) Sporting a French manicure on your toenailsI get the whole French manicure thing on your finger nails, but why in the world is it OK to wear that look on your toes?
To me, I see that little white crescent-tip and think, “Gee whiz, someone needs to trim their toenails. Oh wait…they did that on purpose?”
When did having long, glamorous toe nails become something to strive for? On fingers, the painted technique looks neat and clean; simple, if you will. But on toes, to me it just looks like you’re bragging about how long you’ve been dodging the clippers. And that kind of grosses me out.
Have no fear!
Even if you’re a coffee-drinking, sushi-loving, walking fashion faux pas, it’s OK! We can still be friends! I’m not shallow enough to (or popular enough) to weed out the people in my life, simply because they love things like tankinis, Crocs or scrapbooking (or the list above).
I know I wouldn’t want to be skipped over for a pal-gathering because I insisted on wearing the same hairdo I’ve had since 2009 or because I occasionally over do it with the cameos.
Thanks for putting up with me!