I have started this blog post to you, oh, curious reader, for weeks.
It usually goes something like this:
Hey guys! What’s up! Have you heard the news? This loser’s getting divorced!
Inner thoughts to myself: Um. No. You can’t just drop a bomb on people like that. Try and make it more of a gentle update.
I know I haven’t updated the blog in a while but life’s been a bit of a clusterf**k.
Have you heard about my midlife crisis? You know, the one where I lose my mind and decide to leave my husband after 13 years? Yeah. I haven’t been too keen on writing anything about that lately. In other news, have you heard about twerking? What’s that all about?
So…yeah. I’ve got that going for me.
As soon as I get the nerve to look you in the virtual eye admit to you all that, yes, I have chosen to divorce my spouse of 13 years, I chicken out. I realize there’s no way in the world that I can explain my situation to you, no matter how many stories or explanations I attempt to tell you.
Even away from my church/God-centered circle of friends and acquaintances, quitting a marriage is seen as one of life’s biggest fuck ups.
Quitter. Failure. The one who gave up. That girl who didn’t fight for her family.
The new identity that comes with this choice is a heavy one, albeit, accurate.
This blog has always been a place where I could go and be 100% me.
I could tell you all about my opinions on raising suburban chickens (over it) and my thoughts on one piece bathing suits (gah). Even if I was polarizing or making fun of something you love (TOMS shoes) you’d still love me, and read my posts, and sometimes, even sometimes, I could get you to share a post or leave a comment.
But I get it.
Showing someone love and support when they’ve stepped into some serious shit is a really tricky thing.
Especially when they didn’t just step in a little bit of shit. This gal took off her shoes and rolled around in the stuff!
I know it’s hard to be around someone who stinks so bad. (Look out! It could be contagious!)
At first there was a small army who came out in mass to see what could be done. There was a day I had six different phone calls, emails, texts and Facebook messages from family and friends who were trying to find out just what had I let happen to my life.
Now it’s pretty quiet.
I don’t mind the silence all the time, honestly. Talking about how much you suck and looking into the faces of people you love and care for while you systematically watch them lose respect for you is a pretty lame thing.
People keep telling me that I’m not the same person I was a few months ago and that’s absolutely true. I have made decisions that will resonate with me, my family and people I haven’t even met, until I leave this earth. There’s nothing I can do that can rewind the clock and change things, despite what I sometimes tell myself.
I’d really like to get back to this blog space, even though it is such a blatant picture of what my life once was and now what it isn’t.
But this is Jenny’s Blog-o-rama, and I’m still Jenny. I may not be the Jenny you know and love anymore but I still exist. And I still love to write.
Human. Hurting. Sorry. Embarrassed. Angry. Fed up. These are also parts of my new identity.
I am and will continue to be amazed by the people who choose to avoid eye contact with me at church or in the store, and those who reach out to me to say “You’re an idiot, but I still love you. Cheers to your crazy-assed life.”
Who knows where you fall into the spectrum.
Maybe you’re reading this for more gossip-worthy tidbits to share at the next girl’s night?
Maybe you’re just an old friend who likes to stalk my blog every now and then to see if I mention anything about you or our old life together? (Hey there!)
Perhaps you’ve never even met me, yet you stumbled here to my blog post by mistake and are super-glad to read about someone else out there that sucks even worse than you do. It’s pretty thrilling to realize that you are not the worst person in a room, am I right?
But there’s a lot about me that’s stayed the same through all this.
Here’s a small list, in case you were wondering:
I still am into the whole ‘God-thing’, despite my life choices that appear to not jive too well with that statement.
I still adore my children, despite the fact that I only have them under my roof every other week now.
There is no one else I’d want to parent my kids with and no one else who could love them like their dad. I am happy that they have him in their lives and that I never have to worry about them when they are away from me. He’s a kick-ass dad and together, we made two of the most incredible, little humans this planet has ever seen. They will grow strong and be covered in love, and they will go on to do amazing things for the world and the people around them, despite the failing of their parent’s marriage.
(Seriously, if you come at me with the whole “you’ve ruined your kids’ life” thing, I will punch you in the vag. Back off, bitches.)
I still hate sushi, coffee, and most vegetables.
I still think the whole organic food craze is annoying and, in most cases, irrelevant to my daily life.
I have no idea how you’re supposed to act around a person like me, but I can tell you that I still like laughing, going to movies and hanging out with people. Don Draper is still the sexiest guy on TV and if you just want to talk about Mad Men with me, and avoid all deeper life questions, I’m totally cool with that.
If anything, I just wanted you all to know that I’m going to be writing here again, and if you hear me mention “my new place” or the fact that my kids are “with their dad this week”, you’ll know why.
I won’t be writing about the gory details behind things. I know this touches so many other people, and it’s not my place to tell their story or shine the light on them when they just want to lay low, heal and move on with their lives.
So, yeah. I guess that’s about it. I hope you are all doing well and that life has been full of rainbows and sunshine for you. Despite the shit storm that my life has been under, there have been some really great moments of love and laughter.
I hope those continue to grow and I can’t wait to share more of them with you here.