No one can blame my attitude for this weekend’s crash and burn attempt at a three-day juice cleanse.
Preparation.
Positive thinking.
Pounds of produce.
These were the keys to my success and I was so amped about my thrilling new endeavor, I threw myself into the process like a girl trust-falling into a group of really cute, buff guys. Whee! I’m like a delightful feather-fairy! Catch me! I’m so light and adorable!
Sorry. I just got distracted by my analogy. Where was I?
Oh yeah. I was rolling around in my rotund form when I discovered that I was sick and tired of resembling a six-month pregnant woman. The late-night sweets. The too-tight pants. The cringe-worthy views when I happened to allow myself a glimpse at my backside in the full length mirror. What was I going to spend money on? Bigger pants or dietary accessories. Is it time to buy some Spanx? I opted for dietary accessories in the form of a DIY juice cleanse.
I researched like a madwoman and ignored all the parts where the bloggers said “Don’t do it to lose weight! It’s just to feel healthier! And if you happen to lose a few pounds, that will be a cool surprise!” I decided to interpret that as “Drinking vegetables and not chewing food will make you skinny! Yay!”
Plus, there was the part of the instructions that said “Exercise sparingly” which really appealed to me. We all know I’m no fan of “moving regularly” unless wandering the aisles of Costco or TJ Maxx count. That I could do all day, every day. (Target, you know it used to be you I’d be wandering about in, but since your recent remodel, I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. More on that later. It’s still too painful to talk about.)
Here’s how this went down.
Day Zero: Preparation Nation
So many blogs, so much research and I had finally narrowed my recipes down and crafted my shopping list. I was so excited to be skinny, I mean healthy! Just one more step.
There happened to be a very nice juicer in my house that would fit the bill and help me whip up my disgusting veggie-drippings in no time, but alas, it does not technically belong to me. When you combine households with a very healthy person, sometimes you get these things added to your pantry. It’s actually pretty awesome. I contributed a slow cooker, a popcorn machine and multiple candles. He had a kick-ass juicer and a fondue pot. I’m not sure if the fondue pot was purchased during the healthy-phase, but the kids have fun with it. I prefer my cheese in solid state, myself. Same with my chocolate. Mmm. Cheese and chocolate sound incredible right now!
I texted my boyfriend, who happened to be out of the state, some vague update about me *possibly* considering a juice cleanse and he replied with something I fully interpreted as “Go for it! I believe in you! Feel free to use my incredibly fancy juicer because our two homes are now one and isn’t it incredibly romantic?”
Yes! I was in! Next step – grocery shopping.
I reviewed the blog recipes I had collected and made my list. I had never before purchased beets and I felt a little smug as I waddled around the produce section on a Friday night. Oh me? I’m just waiting to grab TWO BUNCHES of beets, don’t mind me. Oh! Excuse me! Were you needing three bunches of organic kale too? Tee hee! Isn’t being healthy the coolest?
My cart was so full of greenery, I looked like I had just adopted a miniature horse.
A bushel of carrots.
Two bags of green apples.
A dozen oranges.
Ten lemons.
A foot of ginger root.
I topped it all off with a dozen new Ball canning jars so I could protect my nutrient-rich vegetable essence in style. I was ready to juice all of the things! Mama was about to make some MAGIC!
At home, I carefully crafted my last solid meal that I planned to eat for the next three days. I roasted some chicken and veggies and tried to chew oh-so-slowly. I even washed it down with a glass of milk to try and trick my stomach into thinking I was actually satisfied and would not require wine and chocolate caramels later on. Then I got down to business.
I read the instructions on how to assemble the fabulous juicer and managed to feel quite accomplished. I could do this! Next, I washed and prepped the fruit and veggies for my first recipe – The Green One. I shoved and shoved until all my veggies were liquefied. It had taken much longer than I had planned and I then realized I was going to have to wash out the juicer between each recipe to avoid vegetable cootie sharing. Aw man. But I had two of my six daily juices down! Only four more to go! Now where’s my kale?
After scrubbing the most dangerous fine mesh strainer I had ever seen, I dabbed my wounds and was ready to try recipe number two. Have you ever seen a photo of the Cookie Cutter shark? That’s basically what lives inside the heart of juicers. Just sharp things that rip and tear and maniacally masticate anything that gets near it. Those veggies drippings were actually the blood of those vegetables. After a hard fought battle they never had a chance of winning, I was planning on drinking them up. Glug, glug, glug! Cheers to health!
Cookie cutter shark – heart of the juicer. Basically the same thing.
Recipe two meant I’d finally get to use those beets. It was going to be so beautiful! Just beets, green apples, celery and lemon. Like the nectar of the gods! If the gods didn’t have access to steak and potatoes, that is. That’d be what I’d choose if I were an immortal being who didn’t have to worry about the upcoming bathing suit season.
Something was wrong though, and not just the fact that I was working with fresh beets. I followed the recipe exactly, but I was 10 ounces short! When all you get is LIQUID for nourishment, 10 ounces was a lot. I decided to add more green apple and celery. OK, more beets too. I’m sure it would all balance out and taste awesome. Phew! I eeked out enough ounces for two jars. Time to wash again!
Damn. I managed to drip freaking beet juice on my white tennis shoes. This means I’ll have to go to Target and buy another pair! Psh. No way. I’m mad at Target right now. I love these shoes, but it’s time to make a clean break. I’ll be taking my white tenny business ELSEWHERE. Is that kale in my hair? How the hell….?
Sweet Lord, has it already been 90 minutes? Man. Juicing is hard work. But I’ve got this! Just one more recipe to go and it’s the bright orange one!
Here I forget if I need to peel the carrots or not so I decide to peel them just in case. There’s nothing wrong with being an overachiever when it comes to your health. I had my little prep-bowl all ready to go with peeled oranges, carrots and a healthy length of ginger and off I went!
Finally. Two hours later and I had all six of my juice babies prepared and ready for their overnight sleep in the fridge. I was exhausted and decided to count that as a workout. Off to bed!
Day One: Oh, What Have I done?
I woke up at 7:30 on Saturday morning and was proud I didn’t need an alarm clock. Maybe in addition to being thin and beautiful, I’d also become a morning person? Sure, I had a pounding headache, but that was sure to go away once I skipped my caffeine intake and bathed my body in nutrient-rich vegetable drool instead, right? I let the pup out of his crate, grabbed my first green jar and decided to sip away just after 8:00, like the healthy-blogger lady advised me to. I also grabbed a giant water bottle, since adding in extra water was also recommended.
Alright. First one down. It was more liquid than I expected, but that’s because I was previously used to making smoothies. Psh. SMOOTHIES. Smoothies are like the introductory-level to health and now I was ready for the Master’s thesis of scientific NUTRITION. Glug, glug, glug! Mmm! Liquid lawnmower clippings! Am I fit yet?
I decided to allow myself the luxury of wearing leggings as pants all damn day, even though I’d be leaving the house. Take a good look at my GIANT ass, everybody! It will be gone in three days (maybe). Probably not, but I was trying to think positively. #DanceLikeNoOneIsWatching
Two hours later and it was time for the Purple Juice. Sweet Jesus in the manger! What is this filth? ::Gag:: All I taste is celery and sadness! Gonna have to chug this one. Oh God. It’s so awful!
I tried to stick to errands that didn’t involve gazing at food. That meant no Costco, definitely no grocery shopping and no social media scrolling where I could accidentally see pictures of food. I opted for the nail salon. While I was maintaining my nail game, I was amazed at how much FOOD I was noticing. There were ladies talking about their latest dinner parties and even a woman eating a damned breakfast sandwich in the waiting area! STOP! Don’t you all know I’m on a juice cleanse?
Just telling myself “I’m on a juice cleanse” helped me feel full of superiority and I simmered down. Sip, sip, sip on my water. It’s highly-filtered, you know. #FitForLIFE
The headache was ramping up and it was time for juice number three – the Orange One! I sipped and lounged on the couch while trying to avoid using my eyes. The headache was approaching migraine level now, but I was SURE the orange wonder-juice would be the answer to my problems. I mean, it had ginger! I fell asleep and woke up just in time for juice number four – another Green One!
I stumbled down the hall to the bathroom for the twentieth time that day and started thinking, There’s no way in hell I can do this for three days. I was having fantasies about my chicken and vegetable dinner from the night before and the headache was a bitch.
Failure Me: Can eating *really* be that bad? What if I just try and eat more sensibly?
Mean-Juicer Me: Are you kidding? You haven’t even been doing this for one whole day! You have the stamina of a goldfish!
Failure me: That’s not true. I’ve stuck with lots of things before. Remember the time I cut out Sugar-Free Red Bull from my life? That was a huge deal!
Mean-Juicer Me: Yep. You just replaced it with 5-Hour Energy shots! You just wasted so much money on groceries that will expire if you don’t drink them tonight. No wonder you’re lumpy and gross. You can’t stick with anything, Fatty McGhee.
You know that scene in Lord of the Rings where Gollum argues with himself. Yep. It was like that. I caved and made chicken and veggies again and felt so worthless and wasteful. I deserved to look like shit if I couldn’t even make it one day.
One of my favorite scenes in the LOTR series. Arguing with that negative self-talk is legit.
The chicken turned out super-rubbery and I felt like it was exactly the meal I deserved. Yucky, chewy chicken for a fat-ass failure. Perfect. I crawled into bed and held onto my temples while the heachache pounded away. Juicing is lame.
On Sunday, I woke up feeling much better. I slept in a bit longer and let the pup hop up into bed with me. Later we went out to the kitchen and had a sensible portion of oatmeal and berries. And caffeine. Sigh…that’s some good shit.
I donned yet another pair of weekend “leggings-as-pants” and decided to take the kids and pup for a hike. It was so much fun! I felt a million times better. I had to flush the expired juice down the drain, which I’ll admit, felt very wasteful, but the blog-lady told me it wouldn’t keep past 24-hours, and adding intestinal distress to my life was not really what I was going for.
I kept the sugar at bay for the rest of the day and ate one of many green apples with almond butter. It expires later this month so I felt like if I made a dent in that stuff, I’d feel less wasteful.
My name is Jenny and I’m a complete failure at juicing. I don’t quite know where I’ll find success and or middle ground, and honestly, I’m not looking for any nutritional tips or helpful “Take the stairs!” advice, as I have to get there on my own, or else it won’t stick.
One thing I can assure you is that I was very cautious with how I presented the idea to my kids, especially my 12 year-old-daughter. I prefer to corrupt my children with my wanton lifestyle and passion for curse words instead. But jack with their self-image? That I treat as sacred ground.
For my children, I spun my juicing quest as a journey into jump-starting healthy eating and honestly, it did help me with that. I’m so grateful now to just be able to chew food, I’m making sure I don’t go crazy with pizza or burgers. I’m choosing chicken and veggies, salads, and using up that kale in smoothies.
And how was your weekend?
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